|
[06 Nov 2006|02:10pm] |
So I need to give myself a bit of a revelation, and I think writing it down will help me a lot. I'm restless as it is, and my fingers want to do somet typing.
So lately - I've been feeling kind of helpless. Not hopeless, but I've been feeling like I need something to pull me up from where I've fallen. I really am not depressed or upset or angry at anything, although I know that somewhere in me, those feelings are swimming around ominously as well. I just choose to keep them down because I honestly have nothing to be sad or upset or any of that about.
I guess I'm just looking for some affirmation of my own life or something. I need to do something or go somewhere that will help me realise that I'm not just another face in the crowd to absolutely everyone, and that to someone or something, I do make a little difference and I do matter and without me, things just wouldn't really be the same. I guess that what I am getting at is that I am sort of worried about being forgotten. I see my life flashing past me. Places I've been, people I've seen or known, things I've done or shouldn't have done, that sort of thing. And I sit back and think: I'm way too young to be dealing with this sort of thing.
I've been told before that I am older than my age says, and not physically or anything. Also, not that I am smarter or wiser or anything, but that I seem to be a lot more jaded than most teen girls. I mean, I don't want to sweat the small shit, I don't want to sit around and complain about how hard life is, because in my case, it really isn't. But I see the things other (older) individuals go through during their every day struggle to keep up with their own lives, and I can't help but think that I have gone through that already. I can't say for sure if I have or not, because life for me has not exactly been a picture-perfect childhood or transition into being an adult. And I'm not fishing for sympathy either, because I am just stating a fact. The point is that I know money doesn't come easy, but that's sure the way it goes. I know that Government and religion and the entire human race is corrupt beyond redemption, and I'm included in it. I know that as much as we want it, peace isn't ever going to suddenly descend on the entire world, and I know that I can't be idealistic in a world already built on ideas.
So... what am I really looking for? I am not sure, to be honest, as I have just typed a number of things that I think I might have wanted but deleted them after realising how fucking selfish they sounded.
I dunno how to explain how I feel right now. Extremely chaotic but so unbelievably serene at the same time. There is something out there that I am striving for, that I am trying to reach, but It's sort of like grabbing around for a needle in a haystack in the dark and underwater.
I can't conclude what it is that I need.
Maybe if I thought less and was more impulsive, life would be a lot easier for me.
|
|
Oh, No! Look out!
|
|
| since I haven't said diddly in forever. |
[31 Oct 2006|10:34am] |
I don't know what I plan to do with myself.
I think I am trying to take a more secluded path to the rest of my life, if that makes any sense.
Am I far too jaded for my age, or are people my age far too immature?
|
|
Oh, No! Look out!
|
|
| WELL THEN. |
[12 Jun 2006|04:40am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blank |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
For Good/Wicked Soundtrack |
] |
Yeeeeah. Okay, a lot of things have gone on in the past few weeks. Nothing particularly spectacular, but meh. I've nothing to do at the moment, and I feel like writing.
First thing is that I got my work hours changed. Now I'm working from 8:30AM to 2:30PM. Meh, again. Nothing really spectacular. I want to get paid more, though. That would be nice. D:
In other events, I bought myself a tablet, because I guess I just really wanted one. It's a 4 x 5 Intuos by WACOM. It's nice... fun to use. Painter is lame though, I'm not a fan. I'll stick to OC and Photoshop. I really want to do some commissions for people, but I don't know where to start. Most of the artists that get comissions are the types of artists who are all like "LOLZ I R POPULER!!1!" Aaaand since I'm not, I guess I'm stuck in a bit of a rut. Tablet for nothing? We'll see.
Also I feel REALLY bad for any kid that comes to our house looking for fundraising/sponsorship money, because my mom is a bitch and will SLAM the door in your face faster than you can say "Hi, I'm raising money for..."
God DAMN she is cold-hearted.
Anyway... Comissions. Yes. I need money because I am poor. I also keep getting letters mailed to me from this company called "VECTOR" saying that they are supplying work for highschool graduates, and the starting salary is $15.00/Hr. Aaaand every time I call the number on the letter to schedule an interview, I get the TTY signal. It's aggravating. Grr.
Anyway, I guess that's pretty much all I have to say at the moment.
|
|
1 warning| Oh, No! Look out!
|
|
| Oh, yes. I'm clever. |
[28 May 2006|12:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 annoyed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The Immigrant Song//Led Zeppelin |
] |
Well, graduation happened. It was okay, I guess... the gymnasium was REALLY hot. Crazy hot.
We had a guest speaker there, and apparently he was very famous. But I'd never heard of him. He told us a story about meeting an amputee-Santa Claus on an airplane, and I think I might've missed the point of it, because all I remember is seeing an image in my head of Santa with stump-legs, and I felt sort of bad because of that.
Also those stupid caps give me hat-hair. Grrf.
But yes, aside from all that, it was pretty good. I was so freaking nervous until we got up to the stand. Also, our class valedictorian was a HORRIBLE public speaker. She stuttered, paused, mis-pronounced, mumbled, and made no eye-contact. God, it was horrid. I wanted to throw something at her.
So yes, I'm officially done with High School.
Also I am so fucking fed up with Jessie.
I went to her house today for her graduation party, and everyone from her family was there, but she wasn't. I asked her mom where she went, and I was told that she went off somewhere a few hours ago with Chastity and Katie and Bill. Well, yeah. I knew immediately what she was doing.
When she got back, (at around 9PM... I arrived at 5PM.) The first thing she said to me was "Ohmygod, okay... smell me. Do I smell like weed? Fuuuuck, I'm so stoned." And proceeded to walk off and giggle madly.
Now, I don't know if this matters or not, but she's a diabetic. I don't know if weed-smoking affects diabetes at all, but yeah.. She drinks a lot too. And only checks her glucose when she's told to. She's fucking 18 years old. She has no responsibilities. It's fucking annoying as hell.
I have to admit to smoking once in a while, but I know how to limit myself at least. She goes to school high. She goes to WORK high. And she works at a themepark, operating a ROLLERCOASTER. Now, tell me there isn't something wrong with that.
God I just want to smack her sometimes, I swear.
|
|
Oh, No! Look out!
|
|
| Mmmmmmhhhhhhh. :D |
[21 May 2006|03:17pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 giddy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Moral Orel on TV |
] |
♥ Tonight was good. ♥
♥ Wheeeeeeeee. ♥
♥ Omgheissocuteandawesomeandomgomgomgomgomgksjgfasdkjgbad ♥
SHUT UP, YOU. I KNOW YOU'RE READING THIS. :P
♥
|
|
Oh, No! Look out!
|
|
| I need a more creative title. |
[05 Apr 2006|02:51am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 nervous |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Humming of the hard drive |
] |
Well. Tomorrow, I have an art show. Haha, yes. I should be bouncing off the walls with joy because of this, but alas, I am not. I don't know why, either. I think it could have something to do with the fact that I am absolutely nervous as hell.
I'm having a comic book, a sculpture of a bug, and a painting featured. Oh yes. And a toothbrush. (Don't worry, I'll explain with pictures at a later date.)
All in all, it's going to be a frustrating event, as I have to set up the artwork from our school and a million other schools that are attending, and it's going to be murder. I am the world's biggest klutz, so chances are I'll end up unintentionally ruining someone's work of art.
But on the flipside, I'm rather excited because I'm going to be attending a workshop for blowing glass beads. That should be interesting. I'm not exactly sure what's going to go on during this workshop, so I'm impatient to find out.
Right. Well, I really shouldn't be updating my journal at three in the morning, so I'm off to dreamland.
God I'm nervous.
|
|
1 warning| Oh, No! Look out!
|
|
| Oh my god, it's late. |
[31 Mar 2006|03:28pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 semi-awake |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Copacabana//Barry Manilow |
] |
I should be in bed, as mum said she's going to wake me up early tomorrow (today) to go jogging.
Pfft, yeah, right. Jogging.
Ughhhhh. I've got a list a mile and a half long of things I should be doing. Christ, I like to procrastinate. Hoo boy.
Well. I think that's a good whiny introductory entry.
Cheers.
|
|
Oh, No! Look out!
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
|
|
|
|